I prefer not to post this sort of stuff on newgrounds about my personal life most of the time, because I don't want to be negative, or a drag, but I guess I'm reaching out for help, because I sincerely need it right now. As of late I've mostly been okay, but due to some stuff that's been going on today, stuff that triggered certain emotions....i'm not okay today. You probably won't read most of this which I don't expect many to, it is a lot to read after all.
Anyway, here's a basic vent about my current personal life.
Today i had a fight with my dad because he's very stubborn, angry, and I stopped accepting his apologies because it's a routine. Do something to emotionally hurt me and be stubborn doing things his way selfishly, apologize, do it again. He'll never change, and he'll do it again, and again. That's how it's been for years, since I was a kid, what he always does.
I've been dealing with mold in my a/c ventilation system, im very allergic, so that's been going on the past week. And yes, those two things connect, because I always have to rely on my parents for money, and things. I only make like $400 a month with my current job.
Overall, I'm just lost with my identity, what to do with my life job-wise. I wanted the Kickstarter to work out but it's still sitting at $31....and I guess that's all my Venturescape series will ever be worth, but that's probably just my anxiety talking, that's how I feel I guess...I've failed a lot, and I know failure is what it takes to get better, and you have to keep trying, but right now I feel terrified, and uncertain of what to do.
Living with Autism is the most annoying, the biggest struggle of my life.
It makes me slower at many things than most people, and my capacity for patience is physically shrunk in half because of the way I was born, that's what it does to my brain, it didn't develop/grow on one side as much as other people's brains (yes, literally). I'm also quite emotionally sensitive due to it, and being in certain environments is hard, I'm still yet to totally find a way to deal with my frustrations, and bad managers.
I'm reluctant to apply to many jobs due to my fear of repeating past failures at past jobs of certain kinds. I'm trying my best to get past it, but I genuinely don't have a plan for my life outside of what I do with my Venturescape series, and music here which I don't really lean on. It's why I've tried hard to promote the Kickstarter and what not, that's my dream, I'm actually good at that. I feel lost. I'll even admit I've been crying my eyes out, I don't care anymore, fuck it, you know now.
I know I have to get past this somehow, but this will slow my progress further with videos maybe....or maybe in a day or two I'll figure something out, maybe not, I really don't know guys...I'm sorry. I've kept living with let downs and failures, and it's getting to me. I'm still better than I used to be emotionally, but today's been a really rough one. I still have those every once in a while, we all do. I just feel I've let myself down, and let you all down. I'm sorry.
Anyway, Venturescape will still keep going, i'm still waiting on my actress to re-record her lines in the next week, hopefully. In terms of music, soon I'll upload a demo from the past, another unreleased song I'm happy with for the most part besides the mixing issues, that I think you all will enjoy.
And thank you to those who have given me wonderful supportive comments in the past on here and on my videos, it means a lot. Keep on keeping on, everyone. I just wish I knew what to do financially right now, what job to get, what I can do. I feel pretty beat up and broken right now guys. Anyway, stay tuned.
PS: I can't wait to see you all at the NG Meetup party next month, I hope people show up. Woo.