Entry #208

My Personal Life Problems

2017-06-19 00:31:06 by RealFaction

I'm usually not one to vent about my personal life most of the time anymore, but....I need help.  I don't know what to do anymore.  I'm just like, fuck it, you know?  While my online life might seem glamourous, my real life isn't all that it's cracked up to be.  How?  Well....

Fuck Louisville, Kentucky, USA (and customer service)

As some of you know, I constantly struggle financially, and if it wasn't for my parents, I'd be in deep shit.  I'm 25, and I still am having a hard time finding jobs I can actually do.  I've messed up so many jobs, and I'm just sick of putting up with the bullshit kissing people's asses who are nothing but vile to me, attack me, and try to get me fired even if I did nothing wrong.  Yes, I work in customer service, the living hell.

The problem with Louisville, Kentucky, the place I've hated as well as most people here, is that I apply to jobs, they never give me enough hours, and the supervisors/managers are NEVER good, never decent.  ALWAYS treat their employees like shit from my experience.  That, and I keep messing up everything, always me getting bitched at like I'm dumb.  I've experienced this for many years, and today I finally had a mental breakdown.

Yes, I am miserable.  I am finally happy with myself as a person, but living in this city has only dragged me down, there are selfish, rude, entitled, stuck-up, angry, reckless driving, assholes here.  I want to get the hell out.  But I can't, because I'm trapped here because no one will give me enough hours, and I'm forced to work jobs I'm not good at and hate.

I can't take it man....it's tearing me apart mentally, dealing with these people.  I'm sick of being around negative people, it's bullshit.  I want a positive life, and being here is preventing me from doing that.  I don't know what to do anymore, where I fit in, what to do.  I've had this problem off and on, but today takes the cake.  Worst day I've had in a long time....

Most of you won't read all of this, I'm just like whatever anymore, but this is how I feel.  I need help.  I'm stuck, at a dead end.  I'm glad my music business is doing well though, it definitely does help, thank you guys.  I just want to quit this job at the grocery store fuel station but I have nowhere else to go.  I hate the people here, and my friends got married and left me behind. Some friends, right?  They hang with other people now.  Fuck them for that, honestly.

I am very much a heart person, lately I've been taking better care of myself, and I'm tired of putting up with bullshit I don't have to.  I can't stand these people anymore, I don't want to be around these miserable childish immature assholes who don't know how to be managers and be decent, drive on the road, and treat people in general.  I've had it.  They've made me nothing but miserable.  I want a positive life, not this bullshit I deal with on a daily basis.

It's a toxic environment, it's hurting me emotionally, and physically.  Mentally in general.  I screamed and cussed and broke down crying, and I'm not afraid to admit it.  I want friends to hang out with, I've lived alone for 4 years, my job IS my people interaction, rarely seeing anyone else.  Last night I had a dream of talking with people about anime at some guy's house who was also a musician....that's the kind of life I want.  Not this bullshit. 

I've thought about doing stand-up comedy, but I have stage fright.  I don't know what to do at this point.  I just want a job with a decent manager, that pays well, and gets me enough hours.  I want a life.  With that said....I'm broken down right now.  I'm happy with myself, but miserable with this life.  It's unhealthy.  I want to be healthy.

So....if anyone has any ideas on something else I can do, or how I can get the hell out of Louisville, KY, please....let me know....thanks....


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2017-06-19 00:51:51



2017-06-19 01:00:36

Is it possible you could do commentary on YouTube? It's a lot of work, but it doesn't require dealing with assholes lording over you at some paid-by-the-hour job. I think if you balanced that with music and maybe were able to get a good, cheap living arrangement, you could manage that. To my knowledge, content creating is what you do. No matter what, though, I have faith in you. You'll get through this!

RealFaction responds:

Commentary? What do you mean? My youtube channel isn't going anywhere far....i gave up on that. Youtube's way of making money now is almost impossible to reach because they fucked everyone over. I wish I could do youtube as a full-time job. That would be a dream with my music work.

I also miss being close to someone....i rarely see anyone here anymore, this job is my people interaction. :( And online. I really want to make a living off of content creating but...I'm not well off enough to do that. I wish I was. Thank you....wish I knew what to do.


2017-06-19 01:14:11

If I can make a few checks off of my paltry page, I'm sure you can do SOMETHING. Even if it's just posting every song you have to YT with no interrupt ads, and doing the occasional commentary. It will add up. I find that I make the most money off of my tutorials, specifically the "Make Trap With Mixcraft 7" or w/e. Stuff like that isn't hampered by the family friendly bs they have going on. Use YT to supplement your bandcamp and whatnot. Even a hundred dollars one time is a month not to worry about eating, you know?

If you hanker for people interaction, why not try applying as a waiter, a greeter, or working for a small business? Give me an idea of what you enjoy. It sounds like mostly, you just need good friends, and those are hard to come by, but most people make their life-long friends at work, as my mom always has said.

I love you, man. I'm here for you. Whatever you need.

RealFaction responds:

I haven't posted ads in a long time, i don't monetize my stuff since youtube changed so i basically was making no money, i used to make money. Tutorials...hmmm. I see. Maybe impressions videos? I suck at waiting, trust me on that.

I love writing, making people laugh, making music, stuff like that. I want an office job but that requires a degree here to do monkey work because employers here are stuck up assholes. Yeah....i need new friends. :/ Thank you -hugs-


2017-06-19 01:17:03

I understand that you are in a place that makes you feel stuck. I wish I could give you a concrete idea that would change everything for the better. Continue to take care of yourself.

RealFaction responds:

Thank you


2017-06-19 02:18:30

set up a patreon account for donating. People from here love you, they will do anything to support you.

RealFaction responds:

Been there, tried that, no one's really contributed but a few and it didn't keep going. I gave up on that when people showed lack of support. But thank you.


2017-06-19 02:43:34

giving up is not the solution, tell them about it, SPEAK. FOR. YOURSELF. Confidence is the key.

RealFaction responds:

Honestly that's kind of why I jumped ship and went to my music business. Besides, i don't really know how to properly manage a patreon well enough to give people monthly stuff and i just don't know. But thank you


2017-06-19 04:20:57

I'm sorry you're dealing with this and I do hope you're able to head out to a new city; I know for me moving away from my home state helped me feel like a plant finally placed in it's proper climate, able to grow at last. However, and I'm sure you're well aware, selfish A-holes live in every city, and work at every job. But the food for thought I wanted to mention is that we're all crumby in various degrees. But we're also much more than that. I remember an elderly lady I knew had this game, that if there was someone in her life she didn't like or had hurt her feelings, she had to come up with 3 things about that person that she admired or respected. If she couldn't come up with anything, she knew she hadn't engaged with that person enough, asked them those little questions such as 'how was your weekend?' and so forth, the questions that lead into seeing what a person is composed of, behind their rude behavior. The little I know of you so far, RF, I have confidence in you. I think you'll get to where you want to be. But in the meantime, I hope these thoughts will help give you some peace of mind. <3

RealFaction responds:

Thanks. I think I just need to find the right job.


2017-06-19 04:30:38

so we all know you are musical, but do you play an instrument?? ever tried giving music lessons? what about even just general music lessons (like how you make music, digitally). post your fliers on a college campus or wherever, for a fair price, perhaps first lesson half off, and perhaps you could start building up a base of young musicians.

ever thought of going to school? Not a university, but a trade school or community college. Not just for education, but to develop social rapport. The music students at community college (at least in my experience) are very welcoming to people who may not have traditional backgrounds (not saying you don't, just speaking in general). You may be able to qualify for grant money do to your financial issues. You also have an autism spectrum disorder right? They may have scholarships for that as well.

joining a comedy club is also a good idea. In fact, many people who start off there have problems with stage fright and are self-conscious, so you are certainly not alone. Stage fright is not a good excuse for not pursuing that. Use your awkwardness as a humorous advantage.

one thing I strongly recommend that you do not do is quit your job until you've secured another. Finding a job is difficult, finding a job with a decent manager is even more difficult, finding decent hours and/or decent pay is near impossible for a young person in this current economic climate. And as someone who worked in retail for over a decade, I can guarantee that your manager has to deal with 10x more sh*t than you do, and his boss 10x, and so forth. That doesn't make it right, but that's the way it is in this f*cked up world...take solace in the fact that you haven't dropped to their level as a human being. and lastly, the job is the reward in of itself, not the pay, or the image. it's not the best comparison, but imagine if police officers and doctors quit because they didn't like the way people were treating them.

(Updated ) RealFaction responds:

I used to play drums and piano. I'd rather not give music lessons to be honest. My heart isn't in that. The Art-Inspired Music Contest is about as far as I'd go with helping people improve their craft, I use that as a way to teach people some about mixing and structure. I've been to school for audio mixing already. But going beyond that, no. I really suck at school.

Yes, I have Asbergers Syndrome. Really? Hmm. Well, I've always been curious about doing stand up. I love making people laugh, do it all the time. I'm good with voice impressions, but coming up with original non-parody content is harder to do. Awkwardness to my advantage, good idea actually. Thanks.

Yeah....I know. But now the thought of going back pisses me off and now it's going to affect my sleep, after today, i dread going back there and it only makes me extremely distressed. It's a bad stress trigger at this point. I don't know what other job I can get really that i'd actually like. I hate being forced to work customer service.

Yeah....fuck america for screwing us with the economic imbalance. It used to be that living was more affordable, and people made more. But now, nope. Well yeah manager has a lot to deal with, but we have a supervisor who cares for the people, things are less stressful with him, he's a good leader. More should be like him, its not hard to be decent, it is possible.

The pay isn't worth what I do because I only get 18 hours a week now, and only 30 this week because of someone's vacation, and 24 next because someone's son in-law died, to give you an idea of how they "value" me. 18 hours. Used to be more. Fuck them. There's no real reward with this job. Just rude people.

All I do is sell people cigarettes and gas for the most part. Hate it. Now, you make good points I agree with but...this job isn't rewarding whatsoever.


2017-06-19 04:38:49

Have you tried getting into programming? It's similar to music production as it is technical job and a lot of programmers are also musicians. It is not a dream job but there is a lot of job and generally you get some freedom and respect

It worked out for me but I was a studying programming to start with anyway. What do you think?

RealFaction responds:

Yep. It stresses me out to no end and I suck at it, I don't have that kind of mind, sadly. :( it's not similar to music production at all, actually. It's much, much harder. I've been wanting to find a programmer to make games with but gah....i hate programming x.x but i like making games


2017-06-19 04:49:04

what about not games but just finding an office job to create web systems?

RealFaction responds:

Again, programming isn't my thing. I've looked a lot of areas in it. It stresses me out just about as bad as this job does, and that's bad. I'm still not sure what kind of job I want anymore. If I could pick anything, I'd want to be a famous writer. I want to be a professional writer but honestly, that's hard to get in, I don't really know how to be successful at that.


2017-06-19 04:49:35

games are much harder

RealFaction responds:



2017-06-19 05:08:36

maybe you could keep up with music. I know that for a long time you try to make it with music sales and gigs but you just do not come on the radar all the time. Maybe try do even more posts and more updates in more positive vibe (less complaining about jobs and no gameplay to establish yourself as the "true professional music guy") and on all the different social platforms. I am kinda trying to do the same with programming right now. You are pretty good at it already but try to put even more work in. I kinda started to do the same with my programming thing, started a blog and soon will have more yt vids

RealFaction responds:

yeah...I mean my business is doing better, but that alone isn't reliable. I need something with it. Thank you. I'm just trying to figure out my thing right now while trying to do fun things to keep my emotional stability. It's starting to not work anymore due to how bad things are getting.

I think my only other saving grace, potentially, is this Venturescape series I have been working on for years, technically. This adaption of it since December. Episode 1 is coming out in the near future, but Episode 2 will come out a week or two later. I'm trying to find a way to get all these episodes done right. Lots of time goes into the editing for the voices, sound effects, and music.


2017-06-19 08:50:25

What about joining some group that teaches English in Thailand or something?

RealFaction responds:

I don't want to teach english lol. But visiting another country could be nice.


2017-06-19 13:50:22

Welcome to pretty much the world we live in, that's about everyday here in Jersey, F'up people 24/7.
Jobs don't pay much and they expect you to work harder than the job is worth. Not many people get a chance to get that dream job unless they start working for themselves.
By all means that's what I'm trying to do, but also a job can help you invest in yourself, don't look at it as you working for them but more as in investing in yourself is what I was told.
I get up 5am just about everyday and it does cross my mind why I'm working at this job!
I gifted and should be up there with the rich...but no... it's easy said than done to just put up with the BS and block out all the negative energy from people.

But you have to be strong and work out your path, I say you should start going on different forums and start networking with others. I'm sure many feel the same way you do, it's just a matter of getting out there the best way you can. Think about all you have done at this point, let that be your drive.

RealFaction responds:

Yeah sadly. Thanks man. Good stuff.


2017-06-19 16:32:27

NP man, we all have our days. :3

RealFaction responds:

Yeah. I think im gonna shoot a 30 second commercial for my business thats over the top and cheesy like local car salesman commercials.


2017-06-22 23:02:42

I feel the pity in your words. That's all I'm pretty much going to say, since I'm slightly tired.


2017-06-24 03:57:36

You could definitely do all sorts of videos. That's just the ones I get the most traffic on. Before that, my most popular video was of my cousin burping my uncle's name, and that earned me something like 30 cents and was less than a minute long, I'm sure. I've gotten decent enough traffic on the videos that I can monetize that I've learned a few things. Funny or cute videos get a lot of views regardless. Tutorials for music seem to do really well. Podcasts and diaries seem not to do so well, maybe because of the algorithm. Maybe it's my branding. I dunno.

But I will say that whatever you do, try not to talk too bad about your jobs, etc., online. You will be surprised to know employers look for this kind of stuff!

Anyway, I hope you're able to find peace and happiness, whatever you do, and I wish you the utmost success. A positive outlook is powerful!

RealFaction responds:

Haha. Neat. I might do tutorials rethinking it. That could help. I wonder how I could get a "cute" video in. True. Thank you! :)


2017-06-24 16:06:58

Hmm.. Cute, well, that's a broad term, but it usually would apply to puppies, kittens, other baby animals, babies doing cute things and not screaming, dogs, cats, small animals, foxes, chibi artwork or anime girls being cute/ridiculous. There's a lot of things that could go under that tag, including furry AfterFX or Blender experiment models. Vocaloid stuff goes here too.

OH! If you ever took an interest in vocaloid, I'm pretty sure if you used your own models, story/music, you could monetize that as well! It's actually something I've been wanting to do a while.

RealFaction responds:

True! Vocaloid is hard.


2017-06-24 21:32:57

I find that writing the music is easy if not time consuming, but the animation is hard as hell!

RealFaction responds:

True. It is lol


2017-06-24 21:42:02

Oh, speaking of, have you listened to my latest? I wanted to know what you think. It's partly inspired by your guitar writing

RealFaction responds:

awww really? :) no but i'll check it out, thanks!


2017-06-25 20:22:36

I guess if you're desperate, you could try couchsurfing. The son of a friend did that without warning years ago. He just up and left one day. He moved across the country from Florida to California, staying at various homes for different lengths of time. He'd do odd jobs to pay them for their hospitality, then move to the next place. He eventually settled near the west coast, though I never asked what he does now for a living. All I know is he's happier than he was before. I kinda did that when I came up here to visit dad for the summer and just decided to stay, since Florida was just getting too expensive, and I'd be fine with never going to the beach again. If you don't have any RL friends (not counting whomever you wish to consider on Newgrounds or elsewhere online), then packing up, selling your excess, and finding a new spot might work out for ya. I can't type that a job would be better elsewhere, because business is shit everywhere in the US, but it would feel new, and that would probably be enough for you to happy again. Ideally, you'd have new stuff to discover, people to chat with, and maybe even a tolerable boss. Not a good one, but one who isn't a total shithead.

RealFaction responds:

That sounds awesome, sorta. Lol maybe he was a drug dealer. But good that he's happier. Yeah i dunno. I thought about stand up comedy, maybe making viral videos, still thinking about stuff.


2017-07-05 23:31:36

Well you just asked how to get out of kentucky. sometimes doing something new somewhere else can lead to other opportunities. teaching english in a foreign country is literally a wealth of opportunity. you can live pretty comfortably in japan doing it

RealFaction responds:

I might be okay here, i dunno. I think mostly i just hated my job lol. I'm a lot happier now that im away from it. I mean it is an option i could consider in the future though. I feel more myself now, I think i just need to get out more.


2017-07-05 23:32:07

and it wouldn't have to be allllll the time. just 9-3 probably